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​How to cause road rage: intro

Updated: May 13, 2019


ROAD RAGE

The great failing of an individual’s emotional control and anger management.

But is it so individualistic?


For some, maybe. But by using this guide, you can share the experience with any driver.


MATERIALS

All you need is your egocentric knowledge that you are an excellent driver; the armour of your car to reinforce your sense of invulnerability and anonymity; and the fire of your self-entitlement. And you have the perfect recipe to drive however you want to.


So much so, it might even become second nature to provoke road rage in others, and not even know it. But where is the fun in that? You can't get the perks of being a soulless emotional vampire if you are ignorant of the reaction you are provoking.


WHO ARE ROAD RAGERS?


Pathological ragers

For some, you barely have to say boo and you can see the veins twitching on their foreheads. These are the pathological ragers who operate perpetually on the brink of exploding. They are just angry people. Or they are people experiencing long-term drug-induced psychosis, from amphetamines like ice.


Jekyll and Hydes

Think Mr Walker from the Disney Goofy Cartoon below. He is so polite and courteous that he wouldn’t hurt a fly. And then he enters the armour of his car, and he transforms into Mr Wheeler, the road-raging, road hog.



Our Target: Everyday drivers

This then leaves the everyday driver. Unlike the above two types, who don't need any assistance to be overpowered by road rage, the everyday driver needs a hand. It might only take one significant incident or many incidents over time, but when they reach critical mass they too can experience the passionate and irrational fire of road rage. And with your help, it can happen much sooner and more often.


GUARANTEED RESULTS OF THESE TIPS

While you may never know which tier you achieve, every road rage provoking incident counts. Because, once an everyday driver has accumulated enough incidents, they will blow. Even if it’s just screaming to themselves in their car, or necking a whole bottle of wine instead of the usual daily glass when they get home. You can rest assured that your oblivious right to drive however you want will be bursting aneurysms and popping poofal valves left right and centre.


TIER 1.

  • Cursing in the car,

  • Punching the steering wheel.

  • Hitting the horn or flashing high-beams

  • Flipping the bird.

  • Or the granddaddy of them all: screaming obscenities through an open window with a self righteous fist shaken in your direction, while that driver swerves at your vehicle, making out like the are going to hit you.

  • You might even have your prowess retold by the road raging driver to others.


TIER 2.

Tier 1 results and also:

  1. Your efforts boost the profits of alcohol companies and drug cartels by increasing the sales of ethanol and calming illegal drugs like marijuana & ketamine.

  2. You will also boost prescription drug companies’ profits by increasing sales of blood pressure pills and sedatives.

  3. And lastly, the psychology and psychiatry professions will acquire new clientele for counselling.


TIER 3.

Tiers 1 & 2 results plus a boost to the economy through extra trade for the automotive repair and insurance industries.


TIER 4. The peak effect.

All previous tiers, plus you single-handedly increase the demand for hospital trauma beds. This creates multiple flow on effects, such as increasing:

  • the pool of patients for trainee surgeons' to practice on,

  • the profits for the companies supplying the hospital consumable and technological resources,

  • the burnout rate of staff, who become overworked by even more unnecessary road traumas,

  • the clientele for the mental health field, as the burnout staff seek counselling,

  • and profits for the training facilities such as universities and TAFEs, to replace the staff turn over rate.


WARNING

But beware when engaging in road rage provoking actions. As Father Sanguinista always says, you never know who might be carrying a shotgun.

Or machine gun in the gif below.

Plus it will only be fun until someone tries the tactics on you. At which point your bubble will burst, and you just might be the one in a hospital bed.




Now you’re ready for guide 1 highways/freeways


P.S. If you take any of this seriously, and not as satire to highlight the way everyday inconsiderate driving can inconvenience and cause rage in other drivers, or in fact, serious injury and death, then you are a dickhead who needs to get off the road, and hand your licence into the cop shop.


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