*If you take any of this seriously, and not as satire to highlight the way everyday inconsiderate driving can inconvenience and cause rage in other drivers, or in fact, serious injury and death, then you are a dickhead who needs to get off the road, and hand your licence into the cop shop.
*Keep left laws
(Written according to Victorian, Australia road laws. But by flicking lefts to right, it could apply to right side drivers).
For multilane roads (two or more lanes in one direction) with a speed limit over 80km/hr, the rule is to keep to the left unless overtaking or turning right, or if the lanes are congested. When overtaking, you must also give sufficient distance, during and after the maneuver, to avoid a collision or obstruction of the other vehicle’s path. You can overtake on the left on these roads if you can do so in a marked lane, or if the car you are passing is turning right or chucking a U’ie.
1. Road Rage Tip #1 CLOSE SHAVE OVERTAKING
Simply do an illegal close shave as you overtake the other vehicle, and then cut tightly in front of them, so they jolt and hit the brakes. Not only will you enrage that driver, but you may endanger the cars behind them who weren’t expecting a sudden deceleration of traffic. And then will have given at least two drivers the spark of road rage.
*Right lane convention
Keeping to the left has made the right lane the unofficial fast lane. Reasonable drivers know it, and so the daydreamers stick to the left and the overtakers weave in and out of the right lane as they overtake and return to the left lane. When it is congested, however, the traffic is allowed to spread across all lanes, but the unofficial fast lane courtesy still applies, but tends to apply more when there are two lanes in one direction (rather than more). Here when congested, it is a common courtesy for the drivers on a mission to drive in the right lane, and those in no hurry, to stick to the left.
2. Road Rage Tip #2 RIGHT LANE HOG 1 (2 lane in one way direction roads).
So if the traffic is heavy, ignore the courteous right lane/fast lane convention, and just drive in the right lane at the same speed or slower than those in the left, even though you don't need to be there. You will act as a barrier, slowing down the right lane drivers behind you who can't get around you on the left because that lane is full. And depending on the congestion, you can easily bank up anywhere from three to ten or twenty fast lane drivers behind you. There is going to be at least a few of them who are beginning to seethe behind the wheel, especially when some other clueless person has probably done the same thing to them already. And many of them will be anticipating that it will happen again and be champing at the bit to put enough distance between the congestion and the open road away from the city or town. By holding these eager beavers up for as long as you can, you will be provoking enormous rage.
Sure you are causing a hazard by not going with the flow of traffic, but you got to break some eggs to generate the road rage. Besides, you can tell yourself that you are doing the speed limit—or there-a-bouts—and you are therefore the safer driver, as opposed to the rest of the drivers who you are so nobly slowing down. You don't have to think about how it's not your job to slow traffic down, or you are provoking other drivers into some risky manoeuvres to get away from you. Also, don't think about the fact there is no need for you to be in the right lane because you aren’t overtaking.
However, if you are worried that you have taken it too far, all you need to do is refuse to look back in your rear view mirror. Just keep the vehicle behind you directly in line with your car and not off to the side. This will mean their vehicle blocks the view of your side mirrors from showing you the number of vehicles you hare enraging, and who are likely driving to the side of the lane, to look up it for the the source of congestion and possible the hazard: You.
Or tease them. Find a gap in the left lane and pull in for a short time. Let the first lot of banked up drivers pass, and then pull back into the right lane for round two. No doubt the last of the vehicles you had banked up will still be behind you, that is, if you perform this maneuver quickly enough. And if you are lucky, a lot of these drivers you had banked up in the first round, will have been pulling to the side of the lane, like I said, and know you are the cause. So to see you are the cause again, will make them blow.
3. Road Rage Tip#3 RIGHT LANE HOG 2 (2 lane in one way direction roads).
If the traffic is light, stick to the right-hand lane and go at least a good 5-10km/hr slower than the other traffic. Although it is illegal to be driving there in the right without overtaking, the cops don’t tend to worry about right-hand lane hogs, not when there are speedsters to catch. And they would have to be in the traffic to see what you are doing to catch you anyway. And coming up, you can find a tip to provoke speeding to give the cops someone to book.
So drive along in the right-hand lane until a car catches up to you, and either has to sit up your arse until you deign to move, or overtake you on the left. It’s not illegal to pass on the left on a multi-lane road if it is safe to do so and there is a marked lane to do it in. Thus you aren’t making them break the law to overtake you. You are just breaking the right lane/fast lane convention and also the law, but like I said, you got to break some eggs.
4. Road Rage Tip#4 RIGHT LANE HOG 3 (2 lane in one way direction roads).
An excellent opportunity for rage can occur if you are driving behind another car in the left lane, and you are both doing the speed limit or a bit under, and there is a car catching up to you in the right-hand lane. It's even better if the car in the right lane are in the process of overtaking the other vehicles in the left lane behind you. The rage will occur because instead of letting the overtaking car overtake you—which would be the smoothest and most courteous option, seeing you're in no hurry and they are—you instead pull in front of them in the right-hand lane, so they have to slow right down so as not to hit you.
Once you've secured your position as right lane hog, make the most of it. Drive in the right lane, alongside the original car you had been following in the left, and matching their speed and really hold the overtaker behind you. Tell yourself that you can't go fast because you don’t want to get done for speeding—don't think about the fact that to overtake a car at the speed limit, when you were already at the speed limit, requires you to go over the speed limit. And therefore there was no reason to overtake that car in the first place. Just tell yourself that you are a safe driver because you are slowing that car down behind you, even though like I said, it's not your job. Don't consider that your self-righteous safe slowing of traffic will be cancelled out by any risky manoeuvres the road rager might attempt in order to get away from you, because they will interpret driving as oblivious and dangerous. And bonus points if you weren't the first to do something like this, because it will mean even more rage will be bubbling at it reoccurring.
Alternatively, the overtaker will think you are an inconsiderate self-entitled wanker, who, despite not being in a rush, decided to cut them off and hold them up when you could have let them pass first. So the rage is self explanatory.
5. Road Rage Tip #5 SLOWLY FINISH OVERTAKING (2 lane in one way direction roads).
Moving on from the last tip, as you slowly begin to overtake the car in the left-hand lane, really milk the ire of the overtaker behind you. Even when there is plenty of room for you to move over to the left, don't. And don't think about how, if you were doing this on a two-way road (as in one lane in either direction), that you would have moved straight over and finished the maneuver quickly to clear the lane so as not to hit an oncoming car—nor, how that would mean you are perfectly capable of overtaking quickly and smoothly.
Instead, tell yourself that you are being safe by doing it slowly. Get just far enough ahead of the car in the left lane, so you have passed it, but the overtaker behind you in the right is next to them and boxed in. Hold it there for a while, and then finally speed up so the overtaker can pass the car in the left and move into the left to overtake you because you don't seem to be wanting to get out of the way in the right. As soon as the overtaker starts to move into the left, go into the left with them, and block them again. They will have to move back to the right again, to get away from you, and be cursing you.
6. Road Rage Tip #6. SPEED UP WHEN BEING OVERTAKEN (2 lane in one way direction roads).
When overtaking on a two-way road (one lane going in one direction), the car being overtaken must not speed up, until the overtaker has passed them safely.
So you guessed it. If you are being overtaken, just illegally speed up. You will waste the other driver’s fuel (your’s too, but it's worth it when you are a soulless emotional vampire) and complicate their simple maneuver. By doing so, you are prolonging their maneuver and endangering them, and hopefully sparking some real rage.
It’s a bonus if you are a misogynist. It’s not uncommon for sexist men to take offence when a young woman overtakes them. So for that demographic, speeding up is an easy way to bully the women while getting a temporary ego boost, especially if they think the woman was a feminist.
7. Road Rage Tip #7 MIRRORING SPEED
The speed mirroring phenomena occurs when a faster car catches up to a slower car and overtakes them, and something twitches in the slower driver's brain. Often it occurs when the faster car was speeding, and had been for quite some time, so they know the slower car has been going slowly along because it's the first time the faster car has caught up to them, and they haven't needed to play cat and mouse, overtaking each other before. Upon being overtaken, something in the slower driver's brain triggers, and they unconsciously need to match the faster driver's speed, easily speeding up by as much as a 10km/hr or more to sit on the faster car's arse and follow them like a sheep. No matter how the speed of the faster car fluctuates, the slower driver mirrors it, despite having been perfectly fine driving at a much slower rate and their own pace before. That, or they have the new form of cruise control, that tracks the car in front of them and keeps a fairly close and steady distance behind them while mirroring their speed.
Either way, by mirroring another car in this way, you can really piss them off. It is not as effective in the day time because there are more cars around and it is easy for the overtaker to move and put another car between you and them, but you may still get some effect. However, at night, it's priceless, especially on an unlit freeway/highway. By sitting on their arse, mirroring every change in speed they make, your headlights will be shining unrelentingly and directly into their eyes via their mirrors, with the darkness as a stark contrast. That is unless the overtaker adjusts their mirrors to avoid your headlights, although they still need to be able to look at them from time to time. But having to avoid the shine of their mirrors, while you just sit behind them mile after mile, will eventually wear them down. Unless it backfires and you just terrify them instead, because they think of you as some highway stalker, rather than just a brainless wanker who can't choose their own speed.
Either way, the overtaker may try to speed up to lose you. In which case, you just need to match their speed. You can stop before you hit the instant licence-loss speed limit because they’ll probably be so irritated or even scared of your persistence, that they keep going to spread the gap between you. And if a cop does pull them up for speeding, you can congratulate yourself for getting a speeding motorist off the road.
They might not speed, but just try to change lanes instead, so they aren't in front of you to focus on. So go with them. Or match their speed from the left lane.
Beware, they may retaliate and do the same thing to you, and you will be the one raging instead.
*Laws for merging onto freeways
You are supposed to quickly gain speed to match the speed of the freeway traffic, so you can easily move onto the freeway without causing a hazard. You indicate and watch the other cars with your eyes and mirrors and head checks, and find a safe gap and adjust your speed with the flow of traffic to enter it safely. Once merged you should be moving at the same speed as the traffic.
8. Road Rage tip #8 DON’T SPEED UP TO TRAFFIC SPEED
You’ve got a modern car, no issues with acceleration, and you are not pulling a heavy load. So just take it easy—accelerate slowly. If you go too slow, any car behind you might find a chance to overtake you and thwart your efforts. You just need to get to maybe 80 or 90km/hr by the time you enter the 110km/hr freeway.
The cars behind you will be cursing you. You are stopping them from accelerating according to the law to enter the traffic safely, and also slowing them down. Secondly, they will be cursing you, because they know you are causing a potential hazard to the freeway traffic who will have to dodge and weave and change speed quickly to accommodate you and the cars behind you. And of course, that freeway traffic will be cursing you.
As a bonus, you might even be teaching bad habits to inexperienced drivers merging behind you, so they too can go on and enrage people. And again, what cop is going to be around to see it. The fact no one will be there to catch you and enforce the law might enrage you victim even more.
9. Road Rage tip #9 MERGE WITHOUT COOPERATING
The law says, that if a car, which is already on the freeway, speeds up they probably want to get past you so let them. If the car slows, they will probably be making space for you, so take it, or if they move out of the lane to make room, take it and give a wave.
So if the car speeds up to pass you, simply speed up and get in front of them and slow them down. For the slowing car letting you in, take the space they made for you—but don’t wave and don't speed up to their speed. Just drive super slowly and hold them up. And for the one who changed lanes to let you in, speed up and hop into their lane and get in their way.
*Law on high beams, driving lights & fog lights.
The law says that high beams should not be used when driving less than 200m behind a vehicle travelling in the same direction, or less than 200m away an oncoming vehicle. The LED light bars and additional driving lights, should be rigged to the high beam switch, and turn off when the high beams turn off, and used in the same way as the high beams.
Now, the most straightforward rule of thumb is that if you see tail lights or oncoming headlights, flip your high beams off. It’s a basic courtesy, regardless of the law saying you can have them on until the 200m mark. Especially given how hard it is to judge 200m in the dark, and also how bright a lot of car headlights are these days—it doesn’t take much to dazzle a car ahead.
Fog lights should be separate from the vehicle’s normal headlights (high beam and dipped beam), and used only in hazardous conditions.
10. Road Rage tip #10 HIGH BEAMS/DRIVING LIGHTS USE TO DAZZLE
So you’ve already guessed my next tip for road rage and it’s probably one of the simplest. Just leave your high beams on and don’t dip them until a few cars have flashed their lights at you, or have retaliated by putting theirs on, and you are struggling to see yourself. But If you want to go full road rage, don’t turn them off even if the oncoming care flashes theirs at you or turned theirs on.
When you are coming up behind a car’s red tail lights, you know they can’t flash you. So you can pretend you forgot to dip yours, and just sit behind them, knowing the light is boring right into their eyes via their mirrors. But beware, they might retaliate by slowing down so you can overtake them. Hell, they might just overtake you in reverse, and pull behind you, so they can flip their high beams on and sit right up your arse to give you some of your own medicine.
If a cop does see it and goes to pull you over, just feign you didn’t realise you had them on. It probably won’t fly, but then the chances a cop’s going see you doing it and know you’ve used your high beams in that 200m is slim. Again, the fact a cop won’t be there to stop you will probably make your victim feel helpless and even more outraged.
And if you cause an accident like in the gif, then you've doubled the amount of road rage caused.
You can even do it in the daytime. It might not be as startling, but it can still be pretty dazzling.
11. Road Rage tip #11 FOG LIGHTS USE TO DAZZLE
It’s not legal to use them outside the hazardous conditions, but if you don’t care about legalities you just flip them on. Same as the high beams and driving lights.
*Laws on Tailgating
Tailgating is illegal. You need to keep a sufficient distance from the vehicle in front of you, to avoid a collision. The grey area is saying a safe distance; what one driver will consider safe will be different from another. And who can accurately judge what distance is safe according to their current speed, anyway? So it is suggested to keep a two-second gap between vehicles. RACV suggests picking a fixed object and start counting as the front vehicle passes it. “One thousand and one, one thousand and two.” If your car reaches it before you finish one thousand and two, you’re too going fast.
12. Road Rage tip#12 TAILGATING
The effectiveness of this method is pretty self-explanatory, but it also carries the highest risk. If you sit on someone’s arse at 110km/hr, and they break suddenly, you will fair far worse than at 50km/hr. Instead of a concussion and broken bones, you will probably end up dead. But if you are keen on sharing the road rage experience, then this is one for you.
If you add your high beams, day or night, you can really increase the intensity. However, there is a catch. The person you are tailgating might not be feeling the rage you were going for, only fear. And they might get a little unpredictable with it and start brake checking you.
Or the person you are tailgating might actually be quite chuffed that they are holding you up and happy because they think they've pissed you off. And if something goes wrong, they’ll know your insurance company will be the one paying out, because you rear-ended them.
But be warned if you achieve your road rage provocation, and they attempt to brake check you, but you miss them, they could always try to back into you like in the gif. Then claim you were too close and hit them. Your only saving grace from a dangerous driving charge is if you have a dash cam, but you'll need to editing out all your other bad driving.
13. Road Rage tip #12 RESPONDING TO TAILGATING
On the flip side, you could be the one being tailgated and feeling pretty powerful in your vindictive management of it. You can slow right down to a crawl, and then block any attempt for the tailgater to get around you by speeding up, thus increasing their rage.
Slowing down to such a rate could be deemed illegal as it could be argued that you are unreasonably obstructing the path of the tailgater, with no reason to do so. But what cop will see you do it? And if they do, you can say you were intimidated by the tailgater, which was your reason for slowing down.
The other tactic is to brake check the tailgater. Brake checking is deliberately applying the brakes hard and fast, giving the tailgater no time to respond, which could result in you being rear-ended, and depending on speed, anything from minor injury to death for the tailgater. The alternative is to tap the brakes lightly, so you don’t actually stop, but just suggest you are slowing down to the tailgater behind you. You just have to hope they don’t slam on their brakes and end up rear-ended by a car behind them, and inadvertently injure that other driver. But as long as you have caused the road rage you were after, what do you care, you soulless emotional vampire.